Tuesday, February 21, 2006

all hearts aside

Let's see...
what have we missed here?
Valentine's Day
My best friends wedding
Talked a client into leaving her boyfriend
That about sums it up.
1.) A holiday for relationships 2.)The eternal commitment of one
3.) The destruction of another.

O.k., Valentine's Day came and went. I actually took this day off from work and spent my entire morning talking to the IRS and another bill collector from my troubled past. What a fun way to start the day. Oh, how I heart bills.
I didn't shower until 5pm- after I had cleaned my modest home and ran several errands in my pajama pants. Attractive, I know.
Went to my evening class, had a quiet dinner at home with my significant other. Went to bed early.

The wedding of Shelby and Russ.
Spent close to 2 thousand dollars on my maid of honor dress with accessories, hair and make-up, Las Vegas bachelorette party-mostly on deadbeat friends who forgot they weren't the ones getting married, bridal shower stuff (there were 2), hotel stay for the night of the wedding and various little extras that came up suddenly.
I am officially broke.
However, there is nothing better than seeing your dear friend marry the guy she loves. She was beautiful,
he was in awe of her.
I was happily jealous.
I don't care what anyone says, I love weddings. Especially the ones with the couples you know will make it. Moments like these are full of hope,
something that is rare these days.

That brings me to the hopeless.

I never really tell my clients what I am truly thinking because it has been my experience that no one really wants the truth, at least during a massage.
However, she was asking for it.
Lynn talks about her boyfriend constantly, from the moment she lays down to the moment she gets up.
All I hear is the same thing over and over again:
He doesn't appreciate me. He takes me for granted. No one understands him, but I do. I know he loves me, but... He really upset me. I can't talk to him. His friends hate me. He's always busy. He's always text messaging. He gives me vague answers. He acts like he's doing me a favor. He hates my friends. He hates my family. We argue all the time. I never know where he is. I can't reach him half the time. I don't trust him. I don't trust him. I don't trust him.

Hello?
I had to practically shake her.
I started asking her, "So...why are you with him?"
Oh... Because you love him??
That makes perfect sense.
I posed this question to her,
Do you feel he loves you at all or he loves you the best he can, because there is a difference.
And if he is loving you the best he can, is it enough for you?

I know I should have just kept my mouth shut, but I was on a rampage- a river of experience, truth and reprimand flowed from my mouth.
Bad therapist.
(Slaps the back of her hand)

She actually started crying.
Sobbing.

oops...

Sometimes we need a good shaking. Sometimes our friends and family are so worried about their own relationships with us, they often refrain from telling us what they REALLY think.
Oh, he's wonderful. I'm sure he didn't mean to forget to call you.
Truth is hard to come by.
However, I am not the friend or family member of Lynn and when she asked me what I thought,
I told her.

Here is the thing I have come to learn about relationships.
They are work. They aren't supposed to be easy.
They require honesty and truth on both sides.
Once trust is jeopardized, you very rarely get it back.
I might have mentioned this theory before, but here it is again.
Diminished trust is like gluing the handle back on a tea cup. If you ever break the handle off on a tea cup put it on the shelf and never use it again. You see, once the handle falls off it's almost impossible to stabilize it with glue again, because eventually you will add enough hot water and the handle will pop right off. If you lose trust in your significant other,
better just shelf that relationship.
Hot water burns but not as much as being hurt by disappointment, again.

I am not an expert. I am not nor have I ever been married. I have gone through many break-ups and good byes, some by me and some that left me scarred and rattled, forever wondering if I gave too much.
Can you give to much? I would really like to think, no.
Isn't that the point of being with someone, to give every little piece of yourself, or should you save some
just for you?
The only problem with this is,
if the person you are with does not reciprocate these beliefs,
is that ok?
For Lynn, it wasn't ok.
Also the guy she was with was a total asshole and did and said things that were questionable.
I don't even care what his side of the story is. That old adage, "If it looks like a duck.." is always true.
Always.
In the end, it's never one big thing that ends a relationship,
it's all the little things.
I told her all this, and some other things I can't remember.
I felt bad when she left.

She left a note up-front for me a couple of days later that simply said,
"You were right. I did it. He didn't even see it coming. Thank you."

I know I talk a lot about relationships,
but it's because I am constantly exposed to the ins and outs of everyone's intimate bushiness. This is a part of my bussiness.

You can not compare what you have with someone-with anyone.
However,
you better be clear on what is acceptable for you and what is not
and what is settling and what is compromising.
And of course, when to just cut your losses and walk away.

Love is hard, but when you find it and they love you as much as you love them,
it's so worth it.

I wish everyone true love
more good times then bad
a comforting smile
an assuring hug and kiss
an inside joke
a history
love notes and mementos
understanding
tears of joy v. tears of pain
the ability to try
the ability to know you did the best you could,
and you loved with all you had.

I love with everything I have.

I guess we're all caught up now.
Good bye February.
I'm ready for March.

Monday, February 06, 2006

part 1 -edited

"Its not the content of our dreams that give our second heart it's dark color; it's the thoughts that go through our heads in those wakeful moments when sleep won't come. And those are the things we never tell anyone at all."

-excerpt from The Dogs of Babel
by Carolyn Parkhust
Pages 228-29 kill me, because they are so true.