Happy New Year

Happy New Year, everyone.
Thanks to all who occasionally pop in to see if I have posted anything new.
I feel like such a lame ass.
I will spare you all the other ideas I had for years resolutions, and just say this: I will write one post every week.
It's good for me, keeps me sane...
I think.

Saw a lot of interesting clients this past year, most of whom I should have written a post about. So to condense the some-odd number of clients and stories I have heard and experienced, here is a list of lessons and stories my clients have taught me in 2006.

1.) Men over the age of 60 have a really hard time being naked without their socks.
Seriously, I massage a lot of elderly gentlemen and they all have this thing about leaving their socks on when being worked on. They are usually wearing black or brown (or sometimes one of each depending on how good their eye sight is these days) and when asked to remove them, they usually decline profusely. It's weird. Or I think it is. They have no problem being stark naked under a crisp white sheet, but the thought of having their feet seen makes them feel squeamish. Whatever. I can live without working on feet.

2.) If you cry in my room, most likely I will cry with you.
I can't help it, I'm a wimp. I have not conquered the act of being a rock in front of those I love or those I hardly know. If you start the water works, my faucet runs at full blast, incredibly moved by people and their stories and their lives. Don't get me wrong, I won't sit their and sob, but I will wipe tears quietly away from my face as you try to discreetly do the same. A lot of you can't even tell because your eyes are usually closed- embarrassed is my guess. But don't be. It's a lot easier to just let it go and ball your eyes out, just like it's a lot easier for me to let my eyes well-up and overflow, than it is to try and be something I am not- emotionally vacant.

3.) Washing with water is not the same as washing with soap AND water.
People will swear up and down that they have showered before running to their massage appointment, yet they are filthy. Their hair is wet, they smell of deodorant, and some times they are even damp behind the knees, or around the neck line. I am not fooled. There is usually the unmistakable telltale slime and grit lying right on top of their skin. It's not really visible to the eye- at first. But add a little oil and lotion and before you know it you are pushing around grey and dingy lotion all over someones body. Ever taken a quick 2 min shower? Do yourself (and your masseuse) a favor, use some fucking soap. It doesn't take that long to squirt a little Lever 2000 into a loofah for a quick wash, rinse and repeat.

4.) When a client asks you if you know Jesus, lie and say you do (when you clearly don't), then quickly change the subject.
Clients don't really want to hear about your lack of faith or in depth science background when inquiring about Christianity. All they want to know is YES you believe in God, or NO you do not. This way they can quickly pass judgement on you. I seriously don't have a problem talking about religion, but I won't bring it up in a therapy room. I have been apologised to on a few occasions for the client making ME feel uncomfortable, but clearly it is I that makes YOU uncomfortable if my answer is "no, I do not know Jesus." I have been know to say Oh God! Oh God! on some occasions, is that the same?

5.) 10 units of classes while working full time is a bit too much.
My last post was in October, and before that...3 months prior? I took on way too much and even though I kicked some serious ass in academics, others things suffered- like this blog. I really missed writing, but I had to prioritize. And when I had to decide between writing or talking to someone I haven't chatted with in a while, well I have to admit I am fond of a human voice or just doing nothing or saying nothing. It was a daunting and very trying 16 weeks. But now it is over. A good friend and client said to me last week, "don't forget about the you stuff, too." I did. But it's starting to come back to me.

6.) If you build a practice elsewhere, your clients will follow.
I am actually in the midst of changing offices. I totally dragged my feet on it because I thought that seriously none of my clientele would follow me and I would have to start all over again from scratch. I was wrong. Of course I did find another office within the vicinity of my old office, but I was shocked at the number of clients who actually took the time to fill out new paperwork, meet with a new doctor, and stay loyal to me as a client. I am so lucky. My old boss and old office can burn in Hell (if there is one. see #4) . I stuck around for too long while too many checks bounced, too many inappropriate comments were maid and too many clients were lost. I'm taking ever last client of his with me who wants to move, and he can't touch me. Muthafucka! Up yours!

7.) Marriage means very little to most.
What I mean is, I know of 3 married couples out of my giant list of married clients who DO NOT cheat. The rest do. And married people usually cheat with other married people or people in relationships. Why? Because they know they hold no serious obligation to the person they are having an affair with. They both know that they probably won't leave their significant others, so this makes it safe. Pretty sad. I can't offer advice here. It seems like it does not matter if you screw his/her brains out every night, or make a lovely dinner, be their all, or their everything...it's usually just not enough. And they all talk about it.

8.) A flaky mole= bad.
I have seen some pretty funky skin conditions in my 6 years of practice, but just recently I have seen and increase of skin cancer. Ewwww is right. If you have mole or birthmark that is uneven around the edges or discolored (like freckled), if is oozing or FLAKY (read flag! siren! ding ding ding!) have it checked out, because you know what? It ain't good, I am not going near it!

9.) Do not take you problems home with you, or try real hard not too.
This does not just go for my profession, obviously. Trust me though, leave your junk at work, or on the freeway. Drive around the block for ten minutes until you feel better, but don't bring it into your home or let it be the first thing you drop into your partners lap. It just creates problems and fights and arguments, that have nothing to do with you or him really, just frustration over your shitty day and them not being able to fix it. I am still working on this.

10.) Tipping and gratuity
Do it. I will tell you this, I will treat you a lot better if I know after working my ass off on you, that you are going to leave a little something for my effort. I will even let it slide the first couple of times if you forget or don't. But after that, prepare for less effort, less time, less attention to all your special needs.
It's the truth, sorry.


You see, you didn't miss too much.
I'm still planning on moving, and will still keep doing massage for as long as I can or as long as my hands hold out.

Hope all your holidays were merry and bright. Thanks for sticking around.
More to come in 2007.

xo.
a.