The Ex Factor

Last weekend I saw a ghost.
Sunday, while walking into my local watering hole with my significant other, I saw my ex with HIS significant other.
It happened pretty fast, he saw me and looked the other way, I did the same.
My first thought was, "awwww man! why today? I just wanna watch the rest of the George Mason game and grab a bite to eat."
We walked in and to the back of the bar. The stand-off began.
Should I stay or should I go? I won this bar in the divorce, had I not?
It made for an uncomfortable situation.
Even though this guy is ancient history, even though I don't care for one second where he is, who he's with and what he's doing, it was still awkward.
I was instantly confronted with my past and where I have been. It seemed like ages ago. Another life, another time. Who was that girl then, and who am I now?
And then I had an epiphany: What type of ex girl friend am I?

I have decided- along with the advice of my trusty clientele, that ex girlfriends (and boyfriends) fall into certain categories.

What type of Ex Girlfriend are you? How do you see your Ex's?

I will love you forever- or until I find someone else
Long after you have broken-up, you still proclaim that he was the "the one."
You are mildly obsessed with what you were, what you had and what you did.
That is until the next sucker comes along, then it's, "what was his name again?" You are in love with the idea of being in love and will live this way for the rest of your life.

We didn't work out- you need to not exist
You are dead to me. I see no reason to be your friend, be friends with your friends, or even admit that I cared for you for one second. The idea of knowing I let you touch me makes me want to scrub my skin with steel wool. I hate you so much I might even pull some voodoo bad karma shit on you, because it would be so worth it. Stay away from my city, my state, my life. Oh and p.s. FUCK YOU!!!

What's wrong with still being friends? (a.k.a.- The Bad Penny)
You won't go away, you keep turning up. Months, maybe even years after the initial break-up, you can't let go. In fact you have convinced your ex that you and he can still be friends because after all, you do have some history and care for each other. You email just say hello. You'll think of something funny that happened to you or a link he might enjoy, and straight to the laptop you go. You contact him at inappropriate times just to say " wanted to wish you a Happy Valentine's Day. Remember that time you and me were such and such..." all this despite the fact he has moved on, but you haven't. You'll even make it a point to share the same interests as he, just so you still have that something in common. You have mutual friends. Bing! Another reason to stay in touch. There's just one problem: you are completely guilty of ulterior motives. Innocent? I doubt it. Waiting like a spider you are. He just might need me.... eventually.

We are better at sex, not relationships
It's over. Oh well. At least there's still sex. After all, it's the only thing we did right. Why screw that up?
So let's just agree to occasionally have sex during the week, but keep the weekends open for "real" dating.
This can go on for months or years depending on how long the two of you stay single.

We're cool
You were together and now you're not. But everything is peachy. You have someone, he has someone. You can co-exist in the same places, be casual and polite without having to to hide under the table. You can introduce each other as friends and be sincere. There are no ulterior motives. You didn't work out for a reason and you are genuinely happy to have moved on.

Crazy says, what?
He thinks you're crazy? Hell, you'll show him crazy. You make a complete ass of yourself every time you see him. You'll cry, or talk shit as loud as you can, making a scene for the whole world to see you. This usually involves alcohol and the friends he hated anyway- which by the way, even they are annoyed by you. Despite the fact you do this, you make it a point to stalk him at every corner and every turn. These places include his bar, his house, his hang-outs. You track him down just so he can see how totally insane you are. Admit it, you live for this.
I have to go now, he's leaving for work in 10 minutes.

The Invisible Woman
You avoid him like the plague. You have fallen off the face of the earth. There is not a sign of trace of you. You forfeited all your places and even your city just to avoid him. It's almost like you were never there. In the rare case you do see him, into a hedge or a public bathroom you will hide, texting your best friends to come and check it out, just to make sure the coast is clear.


So, this is an ongoing list.
Feel free to contribute, because everyone is an ex something. I'm not quite sure where I fall into all this. Some happy medium between wishing you were dead and being somewhat cool?

In the end, we stayed for the remaining 15 minutes of the game, and then walked right out the front door. He didn't look at me, I didn't look at him.
Who cares? It doesn't even matter anymore. Who was between him and now? A whole other life and a history
and a future.
When you look at someone and feel absolutely nothing for a person despite the fact you shared years together, you realize just how far you've come. Or maybe even acknowledge the fact that maybe he didn't mean as much to you as you thought.
Not a big fan of Ex's, at all.
But I can share a city with him... I guess.

My Card Was American Express

My Name.... Adriana. I used to hate my name, until around the age of 22. Now I love it, and can even find a coffee cup that spells it correctly.

childhood ambition.... To be a doctor, or a scientist. I collected "specimens" from my grandma's backyard all the time. I had a live snail collection that repulsed my sister but intrigued me to no end. I spent countless hours watching them slide up and down the sides of the tank and eat rose leaves.

fondest memory.... There are so many, but as a kid I loved going on Saturday trips to the bookstore with my uncle and sister. She always picked out books, and I paper dolls. I was into colors, people, shapes and figures way before I loved words.

soundtrack.... A compilation of bands most people hate, but I love.

retreat..... My secret hiding space I found while driving around last week, and when I need to go further there's my other secret hiding space up the coast.

wildest dream.... To be out of debt, out of school and comfortable with my purpose in life which had yet to be determined

proudest moment.... When I can trust you without a second thought.

biggest challenge.... Acceptance, love and life. They are all a constantly testing me.

alarm clock.... The cats meowing, the bed stirring and the cellphone chiming.

perfect day.... Sleeping-in then waking-up to waves crashing, a perfect cup of coffee, a familiar voice asking how I slept, a stroll, a lazy lunch, shopping and buying things I don't need but do want, a nap, two hours of undisturbed reading, a good story told by a good person, lots of laughing, an expensive but greasy and delicious dinner (it can happen) with a great glass of wine, and lots and lots of probing questions that I have to truly contemplate before answering.

first job.... Family snoop and cry baby. My first paying job? Pizza clerk slave, where the owner's son cut blocks of cocaine of the chopping block in the back, and slapped my ass repeatedly. I was 15.

indulgence.... Coffebean and tealeaf

last purchase.... a dress for an art show

favorite movie.... West Side Story. I can recite the entire scene where Tony is killed. I will make you fucking cry with my rendition, or laugh.

inspiration.... My sister.

I used to.... Have a birthmark on my left cheek. I scratched it off when I was 9, while laying in bed with fever. I still have the scar where it was and there has only been one other person who was ever able to find it without me asking them to locate it. I used to think no one had ever really looked at me until they had seen it. I challenge you to find it.

My Life.... Is starting to take some direction- I will keep you posted.

My Card.... Was cut into itty bitty little pieces. And I am slowly rebuilding my credit that I destroyed at a very young age.

Down for Mexican

"What are we working on today?"

"Oh, everything."

"Great."

"I have so much to tell you! You'll never guess what happened to me..."

"Lay it on me."

"So, the other night blah blah blah came over and he wanted to order Chinese, but I thought oh I don't want Chinese. We should get Mexican, because you know, Chinese food has MSG in it and I can't eat anything with MSG, It gives me a headache. So I tell blah blah blah, that I should really have Mexican and he can have Chinese- this way he doesn't get mad and..."

"uh huh"

"... but you know how he is, a total asshole when it comes to food so..."

Wow. How does he fucking stand her? I would shove Mexican food down her throat just to shut her up. Actually Mexican sounds kinda good. Maybe I'll ask Shelby if she wants Mexican food. I would totally drive. This way if we take my car, she can't smoke! Ah ha!

"So, then the food comes and the guy doesn't have change for a twenty and.."

Lady, you need to shave your legs, I mean wax. You could qualify for a wax for free if you walked into a day spa. Those ladies would take one look at you and wanna wax you just to save themselves from looking at the hairy calve when doing your pedicure. It's really cheap, maybe I should mention it. Nah, that would be totally rude. I mean, what am I supposed to say? Your legs are gross, here's a good spa?

"Blah Blah Blah Blah....Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blaaaaaaah...hahaha"

"Ha ha, that's a good one!"

How much longer do we have? Oh, God...that's a long-ass time. I should cut my hair, I'm getting tired of it. This blonde hair is overrated. I think I wanna go back to red. I almost don't feel like myself. Why is it that women need a haircut or color to feel ba certain way? That says a lot about today's society. Fuck! I fucking sound like you know who. Don't even say it.
O.k., make a hair appointment and get on with it. I should just go back to coloring my own hair. I probably spend close to $800 on cuts and color a year. Holy shit. I'm fucking worth it. I'm not giving it up. I don't care what it costs. I shouldn't have to...

"So I tell him to stop for second so I can check, but you know he can't hear me when he's so into it and.."

"Right."

What the fuck are we talking about? What did she say? Ok, just act normal- she doesn't suspect a thing. Just keep saying "ok, right, sure" and she will never know.

"So he just keeps saying 'that a girl! that a girl!' "

Ok, I'm lost. Who? Blah Blah Blah? Who is calling her a girl? What happen to the food? O.k., don't look confused. Just keep smiling.

"And I'm like, stop! stop!"

"Wow."

What the...

"And then I reach around and pull out the rubber band."

(at this point I have stopped massaging)

"Where? From out of you?"

"What?"

"Uh, what?"

What are talking about? Why is she looking at me like that? Her mouth is open. Say something.

"No. The Dog"

"I'm sorry, I think I missed something."

"Nevermind."

"Uh, O.k.?"

(silence)

"So...is the dog o.k.??"

(silence)

Mexican food for lunch, fer sure.