a little something I read

It was life that would give her everything of consequence.
Life would shape her,
not We.
All we were good for
was to make the introductions.

~Helen Hays

The Big Guy

Not really big, but huge. Not really a guy, but a beast. Washed-up, retired biker. Covered in tattoos and old track scars. This guy comes complete with AA key chain and NA earrings. A regular at the one of the office I love. Diabetic, overweight, has had open heart surgery three times-he practically has a zipper down the front of his chest. Realistically, he's gross. Not smelly gross, but heavy breathing, can't take care of himself gross. I have to work on his feet- which are covered with calluses so thick they are practically bullet proof. In the midst of working on his feet he'll sometimes ask me if I see any open wounds on the bottom of them. Why? Because his belly is so huge he can't get to them. His toe nails are long...really long.

We make small talk, usually. Or rather he makes inappropriate comments, I listen and swallow the bile that splashed the back of my throat.

"If my wife would touch me the way you do, I might like her."
"If your boyfriend doesn't like you leaning over him, I'll be your boyfriend."
"I like to watch your mouth when you talk, heh heh."
"I like when you're rough on me, I wish you would just spank me instead."
"I'm just gonna close my eyes and picture you doing that- only wearing something else, like nothing."

haha?

There is a fine line here. I see a number of male comments who flirt harmlessly and sometimes shamelessly, I would have to say he is more shameless. The dilemma with people like this is you will have to ask yourself how much of a good sport you are. If you go along with the flirting (and you know it's harmless), you take the risk of the client taking advantage of you, taking a comment too far or even their actions too far. You may know it's harmless, but sometimes they forget themselves. However if you shut them down completely, act like a prude, act like you have never heard a joke or can't take a joke, you risk losing a client, and their word of mouth.
He is also a close personal friend of the doctor I work for an respect- who is nothing like this guy at all.
I try to humor the doctor and the big guy.

Last week was my birthday. I was running about 10 mins- not usually a big deal. If I am late I will go over into the next hour and not penalize you. So I started him at ten after. I finished him at 5 after. 55 mins. The average massage is about 55 mins. It is virtually impossible to give everyone a whole hour, for the fact being that the room needs to be cleaned before the next client comes in (sheets changed, aired out and therapist must wash-up).
In that 55 mins, the big guy was extra friendly. Asking what my boyfriend was gonna give me(wink-wink) for my special day, he had some suggestions. At this point, I quickly shut him down, was curt to him and all signs of friendliness ceased to exist. He was not happy
In fact he was so unhappy, he actually went home thought about how unhappy he was, and how he was actually jipped out of 5 mins out of his time.
He called and complained.
"She was late. She rushed the whole thing. She was rude and unprofessional. She told me to hurry up and get dressed, because she has to keep schedule."
Lie. Lie. Lie.
How was this situation resolved? He was given another massage with an extra 60 mins for free.
Which meant I had to work on him for two hours on the next visit for which I was only paid for one.
The doctor offered him this, without even talking to me first. And I felt bad. Why?
Because I like this doctor, and at this point I could tell him my side of the story, but the fact of the matter is, he has know that client longer than he has known me. AND I WAS running late that day, I'm sure it is entirely possible that I could have said those things. But is it entirely impossible for him to say the things he said?
My doctor didn't say a whole lot when I told him. I think he just honestly believes he is harmless and I am sure he is.
He's just an asshole. (the big guy, not the doctor)
I hate being in this position. I feel like I should be peeling this guy grapes and bowing to his fucking feet. He thinks he got his way. He thinks he owns me and got me in trouble. And in a sense, I do feel owned and chained to that position. I like it there, but must continue to work on him to work there.
For the three days after the incident, I work up at 5 am, said goodbye to my other half, and went back to sleep. Only to be woken up by nightmares of this guy holding me down with one hand, pissing on my back. Or being held down by my neck why his fat bloated naked body crushed me. On that Friday I was certain I screamed so loud while tussling with sheets , that I woke myself up and scared the cats off the bed.
Afraid of this guy?
This pisses me off even more. There have only been 2 men I have been afraid of my entire life, and I am not about to add him to the list.
So, I have to go into that room every Tuesday and face my fears. Laugh at him under my breath and try to get through this, alone.
All for what? Because he complained about me?

On a lighter note, I have resorted to taking pictures of him with my phone while he is unaware, then forwarding it to all the people I know, who will laugh with me, or sympathize. At this point I can't really decide what I want more. And it makes me feel less alone. It's totally unethical, but I can't help it. I'm just done. And besides, they are only pictures of his feet or his back or the top of his head- never the face.
I swear I haven't done this before.
Anyone want to see? I'd be more than happy to forward you the pics- for free!
Anyway,
only temporary as I see it. Soon enough I'll never have to see him again. Or not soon enough.

That's where I'm at.
I already skipped a week.

I don't want to do this anymore.
The job.
Not the writing.

a.

31: The rebirth of Polly Positive

This week no one talked within the walls of my therapy room. Everyone was in fact very, very quiet. This is not always good for me.
As much as I like my own peace and solitude from time to time, when I have patient after patient who is tight-lipped (and with good reason- after all it is your time) I sort of lose my mind. My paranoia kicks in and I will pick apart anything I can think of.
So this week, I mostly thought about my birthday.

Tomorrow I turn 31. It's not a big deal. At one point I wanted it to be, and then I promptly changed my mind. I usually do a big dinner, me, my significant other and my close friends. This is the first year in ten that I did not plan a dinner. Instead I am seeing everyone separately. It just worked out that way. It's fine with me. It gives me more to do. I actually like going out to dinner and having witty dinner conversation, cocktails, people watching and all that jazz, but it's very hard to do that with mixed company. I think I am better at one-on-one conversations.
I am digressing.
Anyway, because no one has been talking this past week, I have no good stories, only my own- which isn't good by far.
This may sound stupid and me talking about it makes me feel even stupider.
But,
I have no idea what I want.
Seriously.
I mean I know what I want in the grand scheme of things, a successful career, husband, child, home, a job I like, pets at my feet, a degree I can use, more time to write, more time to read, more time to learn and so forth and so forth.
OK. May be I do know what I want, in life. But ask me what I want for dinner, or for Christmas, or for my birthday and I come up empty. It's hard for me.
Maybe I am just not that materialistic and that makes me feel like less of a person because I can't think of anything I want that can be bought in a store. Is something wrong with me? Anyone else would have a list at any given time. I can walk into a shop see a sweater and buy it, though have no plans to go out and look for something specific- ever.
Why the fuck am I even complaining. I am beginning to think this post is ridiculous.

I think I am just slightly annoyed and irritated to be asked repeatedly what I want for my birthday. I know, I'm a dick. People care for me and take the time to ask me genuinely what its is that my heart desires, and I complain. Asshole.

Yesterday I had a massage at a fancy-ass spa, and when Nathan my masseur asked me what I wanted to work on today, I was nervous, not because I was about to be massaged by a young guy ( who was CLEARLY gay, so save your oohs and ahhs), but I was almost paralyzed with confusion, to have to tell some perfect stranger exactly what it is I wanted. I managed. But not after my nervous banter for the first 15 mins of the session.

sigh.

I love you, friends and family...
but,
stop asking me what I want, please.
I can't even decide what color underwear to put on in the morning.

At the risk of sounding pretentious or unrealistic or maybe optimistic, even a bit sappy this is what you can get me.

In a big box, please fill with the following:
Good conversation, an ear you will lend me in my rants and raves, your loyalty, your love, your kindness, your ability to laugh and make me laugh as well. How about french toast at 10:30pm and wine at 9:00am? I would also like some fucking optimism in times of despair. Sing out loud with me in off-key tones when I am driving way too fast.
I want what you cannot buy. I want ease. I want comfort.

But if you can find me Earth Wind and Fires greatest hits, that would be nice as well.

I'm off to bed now.
So long, 30.

Happy Birthday to me.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year, everyone.
Thanks to all who occasionally pop in to see if I have posted anything new.
I feel like such a lame ass.
I will spare you all the other ideas I had for years resolutions, and just say this: I will write one post every week.
It's good for me, keeps me sane...
I think.

Saw a lot of interesting clients this past year, most of whom I should have written a post about. So to condense the some-odd number of clients and stories I have heard and experienced, here is a list of lessons and stories my clients have taught me in 2006.

1.) Men over the age of 60 have a really hard time being naked without their socks.
Seriously, I massage a lot of elderly gentlemen and they all have this thing about leaving their socks on when being worked on. They are usually wearing black or brown (or sometimes one of each depending on how good their eye sight is these days) and when asked to remove them, they usually decline profusely. It's weird. Or I think it is. They have no problem being stark naked under a crisp white sheet, but the thought of having their feet seen makes them feel squeamish. Whatever. I can live without working on feet.

2.) If you cry in my room, most likely I will cry with you.
I can't help it, I'm a wimp. I have not conquered the act of being a rock in front of those I love or those I hardly know. If you start the water works, my faucet runs at full blast, incredibly moved by people and their stories and their lives. Don't get me wrong, I won't sit their and sob, but I will wipe tears quietly away from my face as you try to discreetly do the same. A lot of you can't even tell because your eyes are usually closed- embarrassed is my guess. But don't be. It's a lot easier to just let it go and ball your eyes out, just like it's a lot easier for me to let my eyes well-up and overflow, than it is to try and be something I am not- emotionally vacant.

3.) Washing with water is not the same as washing with soap AND water.
People will swear up and down that they have showered before running to their massage appointment, yet they are filthy. Their hair is wet, they smell of deodorant, and some times they are even damp behind the knees, or around the neck line. I am not fooled. There is usually the unmistakable telltale slime and grit lying right on top of their skin. It's not really visible to the eye- at first. But add a little oil and lotion and before you know it you are pushing around grey and dingy lotion all over someones body. Ever taken a quick 2 min shower? Do yourself (and your masseuse) a favor, use some fucking soap. It doesn't take that long to squirt a little Lever 2000 into a loofah for a quick wash, rinse and repeat.

4.) When a client asks you if you know Jesus, lie and say you do (when you clearly don't), then quickly change the subject.
Clients don't really want to hear about your lack of faith or in depth science background when inquiring about Christianity. All they want to know is YES you believe in God, or NO you do not. This way they can quickly pass judgement on you. I seriously don't have a problem talking about religion, but I won't bring it up in a therapy room. I have been apologised to on a few occasions for the client making ME feel uncomfortable, but clearly it is I that makes YOU uncomfortable if my answer is "no, I do not know Jesus." I have been know to say Oh God! Oh God! on some occasions, is that the same?

5.) 10 units of classes while working full time is a bit too much.
My last post was in October, and before that...3 months prior? I took on way too much and even though I kicked some serious ass in academics, others things suffered- like this blog. I really missed writing, but I had to prioritize. And when I had to decide between writing or talking to someone I haven't chatted with in a while, well I have to admit I am fond of a human voice or just doing nothing or saying nothing. It was a daunting and very trying 16 weeks. But now it is over. A good friend and client said to me last week, "don't forget about the you stuff, too." I did. But it's starting to come back to me.

6.) If you build a practice elsewhere, your clients will follow.
I am actually in the midst of changing offices. I totally dragged my feet on it because I thought that seriously none of my clientele would follow me and I would have to start all over again from scratch. I was wrong. Of course I did find another office within the vicinity of my old office, but I was shocked at the number of clients who actually took the time to fill out new paperwork, meet with a new doctor, and stay loyal to me as a client. I am so lucky. My old boss and old office can burn in Hell (if there is one. see #4) . I stuck around for too long while too many checks bounced, too many inappropriate comments were maid and too many clients were lost. I'm taking ever last client of his with me who wants to move, and he can't touch me. Muthafucka! Up yours!

7.) Marriage means very little to most.
What I mean is, I know of 3 married couples out of my giant list of married clients who DO NOT cheat. The rest do. And married people usually cheat with other married people or people in relationships. Why? Because they know they hold no serious obligation to the person they are having an affair with. They both know that they probably won't leave their significant others, so this makes it safe. Pretty sad. I can't offer advice here. It seems like it does not matter if you screw his/her brains out every night, or make a lovely dinner, be their all, or their everything...it's usually just not enough. And they all talk about it.

8.) A flaky mole= bad.
I have seen some pretty funky skin conditions in my 6 years of practice, but just recently I have seen and increase of skin cancer. Ewwww is right. If you have mole or birthmark that is uneven around the edges or discolored (like freckled), if is oozing or FLAKY (read flag! siren! ding ding ding!) have it checked out, because you know what? It ain't good, I am not going near it!

9.) Do not take you problems home with you, or try real hard not too.
This does not just go for my profession, obviously. Trust me though, leave your junk at work, or on the freeway. Drive around the block for ten minutes until you feel better, but don't bring it into your home or let it be the first thing you drop into your partners lap. It just creates problems and fights and arguments, that have nothing to do with you or him really, just frustration over your shitty day and them not being able to fix it. I am still working on this.

10.) Tipping and gratuity
Do it. I will tell you this, I will treat you a lot better if I know after working my ass off on you, that you are going to leave a little something for my effort. I will even let it slide the first couple of times if you forget or don't. But after that, prepare for less effort, less time, less attention to all your special needs.
It's the truth, sorry.


You see, you didn't miss too much.
I'm still planning on moving, and will still keep doing massage for as long as I can or as long as my hands hold out.

Hope all your holidays were merry and bright. Thanks for sticking around.
More to come in 2007.

xo.
a.