part 1 -edited
"Its not the content of our dreams that give our second heart it's dark color; it's the thoughts that go through our heads in those wakeful moments when sleep won't come. And those are the things we never tell anyone at all."
-excerpt from The Dogs of Babel
by Carolyn Parkhust
Pages 228-29 kill me, because they are so true.
posted by dropdeadred @ 12:19 AM
7 Comments:
Why did you edit this?
I liked its original honesty.
My neck hurts. I'm tired. I'm hungry. Why did we eat that? What a stupid idea. I'm never going to finish all this reading. When can I do it? Maybe at work if I don't eat lunch. Are you sleeping? Your breathing has already changed. Did i lock the back door? There is no way I can afford this. Don't forget about tomorrow. God, I hate her. Why do I think of her so often. That fucking grin. I hope your alright. I wonder what happened to all those birds at the show when the ceiling collasped. I can't be the only one who thought that. Let it go. Get over it. It does not matter. Where are your loyalties? Why does anger feel so empty when it is so big? How can it be a void?I wonder what it would feel like if I pulled out all my hair strand by strand. I almost started crying when I couldn't find the Q-Tips today. What is wrong with me? I think I'm losing my mind. I think about therapy everyday. Maybe I just complain too much. What was the name of that song again? I love that line. How does it go? I wish I could tell you. I wish I could explain.There is no way to unring a bell. I wish I wasn't so good at remembering. I make no sense. No one would get it. I don't even get it. I look everyday, it's in my routine. I need to call grandma, but I can't stand talking to her. I owe her a lot. I try to be but avoid being my mom everyday. I catch myself doing things she would do and it makes me uncomfortable. This world is too small. One day I will. Where is the farthest I could drive before I ran out of gas, before I got bored of the drive, before I checked my messages. I can hear him crying. Do you think I dont know, I've known all along. You are horrible at lying or maybe you just call that selective truth. Bullshit, but that's ok. You have a very warped sense of truth. I worry about you all the time, ok sometimes. It's going to be ok, no matter what. Because it has to. I should wear my hair like that more often. You aren't going to make it, but I think you already know that and she lies to you all the time. I should just tell you. I can hear Max walking around. I need to cut his nails. I need more help, but i can't bring myself to acknowledge it when I need it, it's always after I am frustrated or mute. Perfection. What is that, anyway. I am perfectly broken. I am turning over. Please, just let me sleep. Searching for the comfortable spot.
that's the raw truth of life right there.
why do the answers come in questions?
i will never know.
Thanks a lot.
I initially edited all this because it was misunderstood, picked apart and worrisome to anyone and everyone who read it (those who love me and care for me).
Honest? Yes. Some of it is very literal. Most of it is jumbled. It pertains to myself, and people who weave in and out of my life (clients friends family; people who were in my life for a second or a season) and also those who are a permanent.
But in an instant, it's gone. It's static, it's the changing of channels. It doesn't matter.
It's a glimpse and I'm just starting to understand why that quote is so important.
No one says those things out loud because of just these reasons.
I could easily delete this. But what would be the point?
It will just show up again and again and again, right?
So thank you.
This is why I would have never made it as an artist. I am too worried about being misunderstood and offending people.
Sorry.
However,this bell can not be un-rung, obviously.
What the fuck is going on, A.?
is the blog for you or for those who read it?
that is the biggest blogger question of all. we are censored enough in this life...try to not do it to yourself. even though that is hard.
beauty in truth.
we all get lost in the spiral of our thoughts.
Thanks to all who wrote-whoever you anonymous people are.
I am working on something new to get the taste of this out of my mouth.
Adriana
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