Chips and Cracks

I don't know where or when it happened, but I lost faith in most people.
Somewhere along the way, between changing sheets and closing doors I noticed it.
I used to drive to work thinking, "I know I'm forgetting something."
I still feel that way, only now I know I have left that something behind sitting on my dresser.
The funny thing about massage that no one tells you is,
you are going to hear things you can't un-hear. People will tell you anything and everything in that room. I can understand why. It's intimate.
The lights are dim the music is soft and we speak quietly to each other. Most of my clients look forward to seeing me- more than they look forward to going home to their own spouses.
I provide a sound ear. I listen intently to all the things you would not dare admit to anyone else. I know about your jerk boss, your affair with your best friend, the pregnancy that you don't want or need. I'm told about your heartaches, what excites you, what you wanted to be but what you settled as. You tell me about your kids- their friends you like and hate. I know what hurts you on the inside and out. I know your disappointments and your triumphs- and sometimes you know mine.
People have really changed in the last 4 years I've done massage. Or maybe I was just naive to think there was good in everyone. I've always tried to be optimistic, but it's been hard lately. Especially on a day like yesterday.
I have been seeing a particular client of mine for the last 3 or so years.
Jay is a pastor and upstanding citizen in his community. Everyone knows him- and loves him. He married his wife 9 years ago, after falling in love with her in his church choir. She had a form of epilepsy, he has a form of cerebralpalsy. I have heard him say time and time again that they are spiritual soul mates and being that I believe in soulmates, this made me like him all the more. He is kind and loving and when I have been troubled, Jay has actually said he would pray for me; I have never had anyone say that to me (other than my Mom) until then. This man is one of the few who encourage me to go back to school. I used to hold him in such high regard- until he told me he was getting hand jobs and the local "massage" parlor. He claims it was all innocent. He just made an appointment there after he couldn't get an appointment with me. The difference is, I do not jack-off pastor Jay!
Can you believe this? He actually lays there and tells me "the flesh is weak, and I am only but a man." Give me a fucking break. You are the reason women hate men. You are the proof that no matter what women do/say/wear some men will always "surrender to the devil" and philander anyway. Please.
I think he actually feels better after he tells me. You see he gets to talk about how he is spending more on these places than he does on his mortgage. And while doing that, he gets a real massage from a real therapist who speaks English. He has only asked me what I thought once. I guess he didn't like my answer because now he talks but asks for no opinion. Probably best.
I am constantly told "people suck," right CN? I hate it when he's right.
After Pastor Jay, I then had to listen to my other client Jorge tell me he was going to leave his pregnant girlfriend because he was bored -only it was his idea to get her pregnant. Then there was Elisa. She wrote-off her son at age 17 for being Gay. After Elisa there was Z. who told me whenever his wife pisses him off, he just goes to Vegas and buys hookers out of the yellow pages. I should have asked him if he was a Christian.
I can tell you this, at one time or another I thought all these people were just wonderful. You would never know any of their chips and cracks by looking at any one of them, at least not right away. They blend just like egg whites. I guess we all do.
I tell you, the good ones are far and few between.

It's dreary and cold this morning, and so is my attitude. I promise to have something more uplifting to say next time. Off to work for me. Talk to you all soon.